Weird Al’s polka medleys are always the bomb, man.
- "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus
- "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People
- "Best Song Ever" by One Direction
- "Gangnam Style" by Psy
- "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen
- "Scream & Shout" by will.i.am feat. Britney Spears
- "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye feat. Kimbra
- "Timber" by Pitbull feat. Kesha
- "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO
- "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Wanz
- "Get Lucky" by Daft Punk feat. Pharrell
And yet he isn’t related to Frankie Yankovic
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life."
- Homer Simpson (Season 19, Episode 11 - That 90’s Show)
are there even any houses in the usa which touch each other???
like in britain some houses are terraced or semi-detached
but in america they’re like “dON’t tOUch mE!”
I HAVE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT BRITISH NEIGHBORHOODS LOOKED LIKE. THANK YOU.
Isn’t that like a major fire code violation? Like if one house catches on fire, POOF there goes the whole fucking street up in flames.
we never learn
Do u ever have to remind yourself that “headcanons” you think up for your own OCs are actually canon
Ladies and gentlemen….a spring-loaded dick in a box from the 1800s. It made for a great gift
humanity’s sense of humour has not progressed much in the last hundred years
there’s no part of this i don’t love
In Italian we don’t just say I love you, we say “mettersi a nudo, ottenere selvatici, sono incinta con il bambino” which means “you are the light of my world, the rainbow on an otherwise cloudy day” and I think that’s beautiful
celebrities that get more shit than they should:
- nicki minaj
- miley cyrus
- lindsay lohan
- taylor swift
celebrities that don’t get enough shit:
- justin bieber
- nash grier
- justin bieber
notice how the first list is all women leading the industry. notice how the second list is two teenage boys who think they run shit but they’re hurting people.
some people wanna spread their wings and fly, i just wanna spread my legs and ride
not sure if this person is an avid motorcyclist or just extremely open about their sexuality
i need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash
so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
- it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
- you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
- AS A FAMILY.
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
- my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
- my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
- my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
- me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
- WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
"don’t expose my kid to that crap."
- MY KID
- TO THAT CRAP
"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."
- I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
- IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
- are you fucking kidding
- i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
- my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
- my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
- my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
- are you fucking kidding
- this is the best thing i’ve ever done
what an amazing story